Sometimes, perhaps being quiet isnt the way to be. Its 9 weeks to POP, i've gone through the confinement week, range, field camp, sit test, grenade, games day, recruit evening, and the next week will be OC evening and finally the 24km march for graduation at marina bay floating platform.

It has been a fast 9 weeks, maybe because my life has been repetitive cycles of 5 days stayin, and each day you look forward to the weekend more and more. It definitely wasnt easy, i've gone through much more than many many other companies, exercise first blood, exercise desert storm (though luckily not exercise night crawler), but i dare say i have definitely learnt much more than other people, in a way. Not just because i have so many ADF personnels in my company, ok maybe so. I have an awesome ranger commander in my platoon, but unfortunately he has left us one week earlier for deployment in some gulf of aiden/eden.

Training for graduation parade is going to be like every other drill training i've been through, going through the formations over and over again would be kinda crazy, but its not going to be as mentally exhausting for me as those who have never gone through those drill trainings before i guess.

The week after graduation will be my block leave and after that i'll be posted to my unit, hopefully a sergeant trainee, though the chances of me going there is rather low. Tired day, shall blog again when im free or have the inspiration to.

Oh and mr wee if youre still reading my blog, i got B for physics again :X

Its my first book out after the 16 days of confinement, and i'll be going back in tomorrow at 5.30 after having booked out on thursday at 7.

It was a real test of mental strength rather than a test on my physical abilities during the confinement period, or transition period from civilian to soldier as SAF puts it. Of course i cried and broke down a few times, but at least im glad to say i think i've become stronger.

In the course of the 16 days, a lot of things hit me. Like how much the family really means to me. How much my friends really mean to me. But also how hard it was for me to make friends.

I came back a different person. Im tanner and more toned as others put it, but of course i myself dont notice it. Rachel and shaoan just walked past me in clementi mall just now and if i hadnt called out to them i'll probably be just another 'chao recruit' standing around a shopping centre.

BMT will be fast, after field camp everything will be much easier i guess, its just grenade throwing and situational test and poof its the fun week with inter-company games and recruit evening and stuff.

Oh and im collecting results on friday, which means hopefully i'll get to book out on thursday night. I dont want any AAA or AAB or whatever, but i just want a score that allowed me to get into FASS so i can study econs or linguistics which i really really want.

Hopefully i dont need to sign on.

I'll be entering the army in 14 hours time.

2 weekend confinement, here i come (Y)

Been long since i blogged.

Around 20 days before i enter the army, looking forward to it, but at the same time dreading the days where i'll be tossed around and kicked around like a dirtbag by the upper-heads

2011's been a new year, things have been rather boring, started off my first job 2 days ago, going for the last shift tomorrow, under some AspireHub company. To me its not really a job, cos it's like doing stuff that i've done before, station masters for games, safetymen and stuff, the usual job scopes you'll get in an amazing race kind of event. But $10 an hour is awesome, besides its better that rotting away at home like maybe 20-40% of the other post a level students.

I get to see how stuff that we learn, (or forced onto us although we dont see the point to some)gets applied in the real world, like, i got to see how important contingency plans are, really.Had to take a cab from sentosa from changi cos of the threatening weather, i think the company could have put more thinking into making the games more interesting in the airport. I think the games would have been awesome if we were able to carry out the course at sentosa, oh well. Constructive feedback wooo.

Its hard for me to find anything to blog about these days/months, everything around me has been happening very fast, when there's something i wanna pen(type) down, something else pops out and i totally forget about it. And blogspot has been laggish recently argh, shall sign off now and prepare for the final sihft tomorrow woooo

With the sudden craving of minestrone(you sure you know how to pronounce this?) soup after i woke at 2, i dragged myself to the nearest ntuc, the one away from central just to get that can of campbell's. Yesh, im not that lazy ok >:D

Anyway its been long since i've been to that part of clementi, it used to be filled with those old,care-free senior citizens sitting around chatting about everything under the sun and kids(my age back then) running around outside the market. And there used to be large crowds buying fruits from this stuckup,proud fruit stall owner. And obviously all these were the things of the past now. The little town is dead. It has this feeling of greyishness, it has this atmosphere where everyone is just doing things slower than usual, where people have nothing to rush for, living their simple lives to the fullest just by, well, probably stoning there, taking 30mins to drink a cup of coffee alone. A sort of freedom some might say, where the outside world, or the real world doesnt exist. Not in a positive way though.

Much has changed. I remember this straight concrete path toward the market, it used to have this huge growth of mimosas, or touch-me-nots as i call it, next to one part of this path. Like every other kid, i use to step and jump on these plants just to watch them close. Sometimes, i would bend down and slowly give it a slight twitch,and then i'll examine closely at the then amazing plant as it slowly closed its leaves. Today, weeds overflow into the concrete path. The lush green mimosa's with those pink flowers have been replaced with untidy pale green weeds ready to dominate and eat into the other side of the path, with no regard with anything on the path, or the plants on the other side.

So what about you, right now, are the pretty mimosas from the past still as green as before, or has the things around you been weedified?

As much as most people would try to avoid it, our lives are inherently filled with political struggles, where people fight and beat down each other, directly or indirectly to establish some sort of control.

In a way, it starts from a young age. You have kids who just cry when a baby snatches a toy from another to play with his own friends.Primary school kids blame each other when they're losing in a game or some sort, trying to lead the rest authoritatrian-ly(or a perhaps a style of dictatorship?) in the game, brushing off and totally ignoring other people's feeling. In secondary school you have clique wars and from secondary school to jc/poly there is a gray area where people use facebook and twitter to declare their unhappiness to the rest of the world, not like the rest care about it anyway.

Perhaps like every other thing in this world, such a situation would cause everyone to benefit in the long run, but i still dont see how it could be beneficial to anything or anyone. I believe it will cause more tear and put everyone in a spot where just a small friction would start some forest fire thingy. Especially when youre working within an organisation.

I need to read more, my writing abilities has been detereorating like ___ since sec 4 >:O How about some reccommendations for nice books?

'19 days to freedom!....16 days to freedom!.....9 days to freedom!.......'

As the countdown continues toward the exam, i cant help but feel that freedom is probably not really a good word choice here. Freedom sounds positive, in my opinion. Liberation from exams need not mean freedom, at least not in a good way. But then again, if so, when can one truly be free, or free again?

Oh but what the heck, 18 more days >:D

'Without money, we'll all be rich.'

Naise. Oh, and its 36 more days to the end of As, hmm......

'Bye bye bye bye bye....' the boy chirped as the coffin was slowly carried into the premises for incineration. Holding him on one hand, his mother struggled to put up a strong front in front of her son, but she could not hold back. Her tears fell, as the child just watched helplessly, not knowing what was going on.

The room was overflowing with human despair. Cries, moans, screams mashed together to form a wave of audible sorrow. The stronger ones prayed as the coffin advanced toward the incinerator, but most were too weak to do so.

The cousins who grew up with her weeped the most. Their childhood revolved pretty much around her, when the grandma was still able to walk, cook, and do everything else any other middle aged woman could do. They say she home-made the best oyster sauce around with her own unique bland of traditional ingredients, and others also mentioned how pretty she was in their eulogies, saying how she was still being wooed when she was singlehandedly raising 7 children after my grandfather passed away at the age of 8. The 52 years spent living her life as a widow must have been hard, especially in those post war days.

The daughters and sons stood at the front, wailing in deep agony. The father seemed to have reverted back to his childhood days as he called out to his mother, ' Bye ah ma, bye ah ma....' 'Lei fan lei la ah ma, lei fan lei ahhhhh' cried the youngest daughter as she observed the last few minutes of her mother's body.The eldest son held on to his mother's portrait, hands trembling, as he too could not hold back his tears and called out for his mother, hoping for a reply.

Most of the kids did not know what was going on. The 3 sons of my cousin were afraid. They did not know whether to tear or to laugh, they did not understand the meaning of death. The eldest one seemed to have developed a sense of understanding to death as he tried to console his mother, who was on her knees. The other 2 although not aware of the situation, exhibited the typical human emotion.Fear. They were at a loss at what to do, as adults who had once guided them in their every actions were now sobbing, the pillars in which they could always rely on seemed to have collasped.

Amongst all the bitterness, the grandson stood there, rigid. It seemed as though he was devoid of emotions, it was almost too inhumane for the grandson to not even shed a single tear. He watched as the coffin moved. The grandmother who once always ruffled his hair on his ocassional visits, the grandmother who always sat by him to watch television during the visits, she definitely deserved more from this grandson.

But from the perspective of the grandson, he thought no, that was not the end. Death never was the end. It was an oppurtunity to discover and find out what every other person can never achieve on this earth. They have the chance to see whether god exists.Whether there is something up there that has guided us through all the human miseries and perhaps deliberately creating new ones for us to tackle, so that we could all achieve that idealistic perfect human life. Death was and always has been a part and parcel of life to him, that was the way he was brought up. Sorrow can only move him this much, but no matter how deep the knife cuts, it would take a meteor to plunge right into his heart to enable him to feel.

'No more?Noooo more?No more chu chu train?No more.....' the boy exclaimed, sounding disappointed. It seemed as if time passed too fast for him to enjoy watching the train reach its stop.

To others, it was probably one of the slowest, most desolate moments of their lives, and it will be etched deeply in their soft human minds.

Though rather offensive to some, sometimes things happen that leads me to think that 'whoever who controls,guards our lives' (up for your own intepretation) us is truly a merciful saviour or an .......

Ever since my grandma fell ill, on and off during the morning prayer sessions i would pray for her to be in good health or at least to be able to attend my cousin's wedding, which is today 10/10/10. Being a free thinker, of course i didn't pray to any particular god, i prayed to whoever was up there, and hoped that that person would have enough kindess to grant me my little wish. Of course, my cries werent heard and unfortunately, my grandma had to move on on the 9th, early in the morning.

My relatives were there in the morning when the doctors called them up to say that my grandma was in critical condition. The doctors said she was doing fine the day before, and even at the very moment before she went away, she even bid my relatives goodbye.

They say she left peacefully.

It was slow,

seemingly painless,

as if it was just another scenario where any other old woman was falling asleep.

My dad told me her clothes for the wedding were already all neatly ironed , hanging in that closet all ready to be worn.He told me how insistent she was on attending my cousin's wedding.Childish as it may seem, it just wasnt fair to her. She didnt exactly had a 'decent' childhood to start off with, and the way she left was as if she was 'kena jacked'.

It just wasnt fair.

Arthur once told me that i had this knack for writing those dark and gloomy essays, duno i just felt that it was always easier for me to gather up all that doom and gloom within me and pen it down on the paper and i remembered there was this love story that was so dark that i couldnt even belive i wrote that, cos the protaganist of the essay( which is sadly me cos i was doing a personal recount) experience a damn suay and bitter lost in his life.

So i was like having this discussion with my mum in the afternoon, and i was complaining to her that she has brought me up in a totally wrong manner to think that birthdays were totally totall irrelevant in our lives ( be it in the modern society or not ). I felt that this had always led me to ignore the fact that birthdays to my friends were very happy ocassions, but this also reminded me that she has inevitably culled away what could have added on to my small pool of sources of happiness.

I dont know whether its just me, but i wish to think that i see things in a totally different light from people, which many a times makes me a weird person. In the recent death of our ministor mentor's wife, though i dont really know her, from the articles i read, she must be a real imba person, considering the fact that she was like the only female in the back then sexist-society-singapore's RI. Anyway as everyone paid respects to mrs lee, i thought to myself, how will her husband be doing now. Being of old age, how would it feel to lose a life long companion, especially when youre under suffering from rather severe medical conditions? What would it be like to walk around that big empty house alone(ignoring the maids and stuff ok), to know that youre forver alone, literally.

As much as i would like to continue on my rather random train of thoughts, math has called. Lets see whether the dates between my posts follow some AP or GP series thingy, would be rather cool erh?

Once you're hit with 3 types of cancer, you know your days are numbered.

You know, when you step into any/most hospital, somehow i always feel that theres this feeling of gloom floating around you know, except the koo teck puat hospital where i went to do my heart scan for NS, technology,facilities and building structures there totally change the mood of the hospital.

But tan tock seng hospital are one of those, old school hospitals you know, along with KK and gleneagles. Been long since i've been to a hospital, was surprised at the extent of privatisation being carried out in the hospital, there was like starbucks, subway delifwornce(as you should pronouce it),7/11.

So we headed up to the ward she was hospitalised in, and wow i almost couldnt recognise her man. The impression of my grandma i have is some plump sized grey hair woman who was always baring a teethless smile whenever we visted, no that surely could not be her. Lying in a bed was frail old woman just well, lying on the bed. My cousin was there and so was the maid.

You know, theres even a deeper sense of gloom within the ward since the lights in the ward are usually half dim. Maybe hospitals should you know, brighten the lights in the ward to give their patients something to look forward to. Might sound stupid but check out how excited 95% of the world gets when there are fireworks in the sky. Wait, theres no link here ~_~

But anyway its real sad to see a relative be in such a painful( though she claims she isnt) state man, it kinda sucks cos i havent really interacted much with her. Fault's on me anyway, whenever i go visiting i always sit down and just stare at the television screen while she sits next to me. I dont know how my cousins/nephew/niece are feeling right now, but i think we all share the same regret. Im not really close to my cousins cos im the only one in this 'age group' but lets hope that we wont carry this regret into our relationships with one another in the far future.

Lets just hope that my grandma will be able to fight on till my cousin's wedding on 10/10/10, at the very least.

Often i have read about how wallets can be used to define a person's character.

As i unpacked the contents from my wallet, my air rifle cert, the broken ice cream sticks, the neoprints and all that, i realised i have got a whole load of memorable junk in my wallet. Perhaps im one of those SNAG, you know sensitive-new-age-guys who treasure their past and keep stuff to remind them of the happy and carefree past, which is so unlike now. I've got my aunt's and uncle's number on a piece of paper which sorta reminded me of the wtf times i had to go through when i had no phone and was out late or alone. The neoprints, gosh those are ancient, dont know what to say. I guess times has changed. Its probably hard to strike up a sustainable conversation with half of them as compared to previous times. Well, we all gotta move on sooner or later right?

Thanks for the wallet guys, though it wasnt really necessary :B

Oh and i just realised today that the insides of my wallet is like mouldy and dirty, dont worry im as pure and clean as you want me to be <:

20mins more and my 18th would be over, just like that. No outings, no meetups, no birthday spirit around me, not that it matters, but perhaps i'll remember this feeling so that 7 years down the road when my birthday occurs on a weekend again i'll know what to expect.

But im accustomed to all these you see, maybe because personally my birthday isnt much of a special day to me as compared to how others feel about their own. I think my parents brought me up in a way that somehow made me like this unknowingly, but hey that saves them a lot of money on the spending of birthday celebrations eh? But of course i dont share my 'sorrow' which others perceive with my friends around me. I celebrate their birthdays with them with as much joy as they are feeling and i cheap in occasionally( small pocket yo) on presents for them.

Whats a birthday for? Googled it a bit and realised most( those who actually sit down and think about it) is for a person to reflect on what he has done within the 1 year he has aged, and to lay out a blueprint for what you wanna do for a year later. And i dont have to plan much, i think 6-7 months of that time will be planned for me by the Singapore Government next year :D Maybe i wanna gain a few kgs, you know, grow a bit fatter, put on some weight, oh wait they're the same thing. Meh who needs to plan when you're ever ready for what the future brings <: Anyway basically a birthday serves the same purpose as any other 1st January XXXX. Just that my birthday lacks those awesome fireworks.

Day was spent doing thermal physics and oscillations and then basketball. I think its probably one of the most wasteful 18th birthdays in Singapore, if not the world lol. Oh check it out its 12mn exactly. Im one day closer to my next birthday yo (Y)

As I head toward the end of JC life, i still kinda hate the fact that i chose to follow the norm and take the PCME combo. Im stuck in the boring world of science and i think i'll probably continue with this road unless i really take econs next year. Wait i meant 3 years later, how could i forget about the 2 years of patriotism-in-action.

Maybe it all started when i chose the science combi as i progressed up to sec3. I chose triple science geo, despite getting a rather decent 67 for literature. It was something i really liked, but you know pressure of society really made me change my mind.

And now im stuck here getting bad results, and whats worse i dont even like what im doing. Carpe diem they say, but trapped where i am i dont think i'll be able to do so.Not even in the near future.

There will always be a “lie” in believe, “over” in lover, “end” in friends, “us” in trust and “if” in life.

Sure explains a lot, am always so tempted to switch over to tumblr D:

I think my favourite mode of transport has to be the bus.

The long rides at night from the east back to the west with my headphones plugged in are always enjoyable, though the occasional bumps here and there are kinda irritating. Not forgetting those nasty by-right-not-more-than-90-degree turns where the physics of circular motion kicks in. Buses that travel through town or those shophouse areas are actually very interesting, for those of you that have yet to notice it.

The scenes you see at town are not really much different as compared to those you see at the shophouses, but somehow theres a different feel to it. As the bus passes through town, i get to see all those happy faces that people carry around as they just chill around. Glowing lights at ion are reflected throughout the streets, giving people a relaxed mood, though its main purpose is to of course attract people into the mall to buy their insanely expensive stuff. You get to see all the gloomy faces at the bus stops too, most people stare into blank space as they watch all but their buses drive past them one by one, sulking, sianning, well at least they have their ipod touches to keep them company, i mean, seems like everyone is having one nowadays erh? But whats cool is that i cant hear the people's conversations or whatsoever through the panes of the bus, so im actually just looking at human behaviour, in a way.

Actually what can be seen from these streets arent really special, they could even be boring. But somehow, just somehow, it allows me to see all these human emotions, to actually feel how those people are feeling, it seems like im expanding my emotional capacity as I try to understand how the people are feeling ya know.

Maybe you wont really understand a thang im typing here, I think its rather vague too, but i just cant seem to be able to express what im trying to say in this cyberspace. Perhaps you might wanna try it when you're taking a bus, look outside the window and see whats going on ,while you have your mundane bus ride.

I don't thing anyone in this entire world is not afraid of death. Of course, there are people who say that they embrace death, its just another part of life and all that, but deep down inside, i just know they don't want that deadline to come too soon, i mean, who in a sane state of mind would want it anyway?

A few days ago, I was walking home after a long tiring day in school. Guitar concert is so time consuming D: So along the shelter i saw this old woman, she seemed to be too old to even walk, carrying her handbag by her side, she seemed to be any other random old lady on the street. So as i overtook her, i took a quick glance to see if she was anyone i knew, i was shocked to realise that it was actually one of those active teachers in my lower primary school days, maybe P1,P2 or so. Kinda reminded me of the first time i got punished and sent up to the stage.

There were many Ms Tans in my school last time, then my friend and I were talking about this very Ms Tan, and he didnt know which Ms Tan I was referring to, so i said 'the fat fat one lor'. Then my other friend told the prefect i said that, then that prefect told my form teacher i said that and then somehow i found myself up on stage in my first primary school year lolol.

That aside, i was deeply saddened that after 10 years, she had weakened so much. Its like her footsteps were so draggy and stiff, time spares no one and she was no exception. My grandma has constantly been going in and out of the hospital oh no frequently nowadays, i get this feeling shes gonna move on sooner or later, but of course later than sooner is preferred.

I wonder what i'll be doing at the age of 70. Would i still be playing basketball whenever i like, or would i even get the chance to do random odd jobs just to keep myself active?

ORD for NCOs 2009-2010 was cool, and the dinner with the usual 205 guys at holland v last night was even better. Sat down at barcelos for 4 hours straight unknowingly.


Tagboard removed, comment in future below if you wanna comment some comments >)

For teens around my age, we probably already know that this world isnt a nice place, and the recent bout of events that happened around me has reaffirmed my stand that we live in an environment where we constantly strive to achieve the best out of everything, but often the desired results, well, it just doesnt cease to dampen our hopes.

Human struggles are apparent throughout the world. With the red madness going on in thailand, the myanmmar political unfairness, we somehow overlook the similar little problems that are around us. I fear for the future bunch of highly educated kids. Though they seem to have surpasses previous generations in terms of intellect, or if you wanna call it the 'smartness' that MOE defines for us(that could probably not be entirely true since most of us rely on memorisation anyway), it really really seems that they have failed to understand the expected values of human nature that hold the social fabric together, tolerance, integrity, respect, just to name a few.

Perhaps if i could find just one adjective to describe such people, i think the root of the problem would be selfishness. I mean, its not their fault anyway, i believe humans are born selfish. No one, completely no one, has done everything in their lives soley for the benefit of others. There would be many instances in life where we just have to squeeze other people out of the benefits of whatever we are doing, just to attain that goal. We do not care what happens on the way to achieving the goal, if i want it done, it has to be done, no matter what the circumstances. Ignoring friendships, personal beliefs or whatsoever, humans have degraded themselves to be immoral creatures. Though im not a christian, i agree with the bible that says everyone is a sinner. Its a short sentence loaded with truckloads of meaning within it, how cool is that?

Perhaps i've come to realised why i seldom take sweets, maybe because i dont want any part of my body to be disillusioned into thinking that this world is a sweet place after all :O

The service learning i did this time has opened a half closed door to what i already know in this world. Technically, its not something that i dont know, but it's something that i would not have thought to be so easily found even in our thriving lion city, or so they say.

So, as my other group members went to knock on the other doors, i went to the one that was 'assigned' to me. Seems like any other door that would open up to a 3 room flat. The previous one opened up to a house with a natural brown feel to it,with that large screen LCD tv, just beside the door. Family gathered round a table with ipods and lappys on the table. Seeming to be well off, still they said they didnt have time, and didnt even want to take my flyer that i was supposed to distribute *shrugs head*

So i just well, knocked on the door and waited for awhile. Looking around, this family must have liked or attempted to grow plants, as the withering flowers in the pots laid next to the gate seem to be crying out for water. Finally the door opened and and old woman with distinct wrinkles on her face stood weakly right in front of me. What shocked me wasn't really the old woman, but what was in her house. The flowers seem to reflect what was inside. As i peered inside, it gave me a sense of gloom and deadness, and of course dusty-ness. The house was dimly lit, hold on, it was FRIGGIN dark, the only lights were the small rays of lights struggling to get through the semi-closed kitchen windows. Plastic bags with clothes and old newspapers were piled up next to a short wooden desk. No sign of any tv or any electrical ware in the living room, i couldnt even see so far into the kitchen, so i was guessing she wasnt even able to afford cupboards to store her stuff.

So i used my semi-angmor chinese tone to tell her what i was here for, collecting of food for the needy. Just great, so im attempting to get somethin out of the poor, to give to the poor? I felt kinda guilty as i spoke to her, telling her about the details on the flyer, cos she probably wont be able to read it anyway. And then obviously osteoperosis woman started talking with the hoarse voice of hers. And then, that was when it hit me. She said she has been constantly donating to the X organisation who came to collect old clothes or whatsoever every 2 weeks or so. She even proudly showed me the plastic bag the organisation gave for the citizens to store their unwanteds. She seemed so happy despite the fact that she was already 'in that kind of state' and was donating to help others like her, or maybe even better than her, since those applying for assistance could probably fake some of the details.

I thanked her for her endless support for the community and i stood there as the door closed. I wondered how many other similar doors are there in just that 1 slab of 3 room flats. Sheesh.



Time to snap back to reality,organic revision time, ciaossu.

Edwin left a note on facebook to a few people recently, me being one of them.It's a cmopo written by a 15 year old girl who wrote surprisingly maturedly for her age, and also since she's probably a Singaporean too. Check it out:





What the Modern Woman Wants... By Amanda Chong Wei-Zhen

The old woman sat in the backseat of the magenta convertible as it careened down the highway, clutching tightly to the plastic bag on her lap, afraid it may be kidnapped by the wind. She was not used to such speed, with trembling hands she pulled the seat belt tighter but was careful not to touch the patent leather seats with her callused fingers, her daughter had warned her not to dirty it, 'Fingerprints show very clearly on white, Ma.'

Her daughter, Bee Choo, was driving and talking on her sleek silver mobile phone using big words the old woman could barely understand. 'Finance', 'Liquidation', 'Assets', 'Investments'... Her voice was crisp and important and had an unfamiliar lilt to it.

Her Bee Choo sounded like one of those foreign girls on television. She was speaking in an American accent. The old lady clucked her tongue in disapproval..... 'I absolutely
cannot have this. We have to sell!' Her daughter exclaimed agitatedly as she stepped on the accelerator; her perfectly manicured fingernails gripping onto the steering wheel in irritation.

'I can't DEAL with this anymore!' she yelled as she clicked the phone shut and hurled it angrily toward the backseat. The mobile phone hit the old woman on the forehead and nestled soundlessly into her lap. She calmly picked it up and handed it to her daughter.

'Sorry, Ma,' she said, losing the American pretence and switching to Mandarin. 'I have a big client in America . There have been a lot of problems.'

The old lady nodded knowingly. Her daughter was big and important.

Bee Choo stared at her mother from the rear view window, wondering what she was thinking. Her mother's wrinkled countenance always carried the same cryptic look. The phone began to ring again, an artificially cheerful digital tune, which broke the awkward silence.

'Hello, Beatrice! Yes, this is Elaine.' Elaine. The old woman cringed. I didn't name her Elaine. She remembered her daughter telling her, how an English name was very important for 'networking', Chinese ones being easily forgotten.

'Oh no, I can't see you for lunch today. I have to take the ancient relic to the temple for her weird daily prayer ritual.' Ancient Relic. The old woman understood perfectly it was
referring to her. Her daughter always assumed that her mother's silence meant she did not comprehend.

'Yes, I know! My car seats will be reeking of joss sticks!' The old woman pursed her lips tightly, her hands gripping her plastic bag in defence.

The car curved smoothly into the temple courtyard. It looked almost garish next to the dull sheen of the ageing temple's roof. The old woman got out of the back seat, and made her unhurried way to the main hall. Her daughter stepped out of the car in her business suit and
stilettos and reapplied her lipstick as she made her brisk way to her mother's side.

'Ma, I'll wait outside. I have an important phone call to make,' she said, not bothering to hide her disgust at the pungent fumes of incense. The old lady hobbled into the temple hall and lit a joss stick, she knelt down solemnly and whispered her now familiar daily prayer to the Gods. Thank you God of the Sky, you have given my daughter luck all these years. Everything I prayed for, you have given her. She has everything a young woman in this world could possibly want. She has a big house with a swimming pool, a maid to help her, as she is too clumsy to sew or cook. Her love life has been blessed; she is engaged to a rich and handsome angmoh man. Her company is now the top financial firm and even men listen to what she says.. She lives the perfect life. You have given her everything except happiness. I ask that the gods be merciful to her even if she has lost her roots while reaping the harvest of success.

What you see is not true, she is a filial daughter to me. She gives me a room in her big house and provides well for me. She is rude to me only because I affect her happiness.. A young woman does not want to be hindered by her old mother. It is my fault.

The old lady prayed so hard that tears welled up in her eyes. Finally, with her head bowed in reverence she planted the half-burnt joss stick into an urn of smoldering ashes.

She bowed once more. The old woman had been praying for her daughter for thirty-two years. When her stomach was round like a melon, she came to the temple and prayed that it was a son. Then the time was ripe and the baby slipped out of her womb, bawling and adorable with fat thighs and pink cheeks, but unmistakably, a girl. Her husband had ticked and punched her for producing a useless baby who could not work or carry the family name.

Still, the woman returned to the temple with her new-born girl tied to her waist in a sarong and prayed that her daughter would grow up and have everything she ever wanted.

Her husband left her and she prayed that her daughter would never have to depend on a man. She prayed every day that her daughter would be a great woman, the woman that she, meek and uneducated, could never become. A woman with nengkan; the ability to do anything she set her mind to. A woman who commanded respect in the hearts of men. When she opened her mouth to speak, precious pearls would fall out and men would listen. She will not be like me, the woman prayed as she watched her daughter grow up and drift away from her, speaking a language she scarcely understood.

She watched her daughter transform from a quiet girl to one who openly defied her, calling her laotu, old fashioned.... She wanted her mother to be 'modern', a word so new there was no Chinese word for it. Now her daughter was too clever for her and the old woman wondered why she had prayed like that. The Gods had been faithful to her persistent prayer, but the wealth and success that poured forth so richly had buried the girl's roots and now she stood faceless with no identity, bound to the soil of her ancestors by only a string of origami banknotes.

Her daughter had forgotten her mother's value. Her wants were so ephemeral, that of a modern woman. Power, wealth, access to the best fashion boutiques and yet her daughter had not found true happiness. The old woman knew that you could find happiness with much less. When her daughter left the earth, everything she had would count for nothing. People would look to her legacy and say that she was a great woman but she would be forgotten once the wind blows over, like the ashes of burnt paper convertibles and mansions.

The old woman wished she could go back and erase all her big hopes and prayers for her daughter now that she had looked out of the temple gates. She saw her daughter speaking on the phone, her brow furrowed with anger and worry. Being at the top is not good, the woman thought, there is only one way to go from there – down.

The old woman carefully unfolded the plastic bag and spread out a packet of beehoon in front of the altar. Her daughter often mocked her for worshipping porcelain Gods. How could she pray to them so faithfully and expect pieces of ceramic to fly to her aid? But her daughter had her own gods too, idols of wealth, success and power that she enslaved to and worshipped every day of her life.

Every day was a quest for the idols, and the idols she worshipped counted for nothing in eternity. All the wants her daughter had would slowly suck the life out of her and leave her, an empty souless shell at the altar. The old woman watched the joss stick. The dull heat had left a teetering grey stem that was on the danger of collapsing.

Modern woman nowadays, the old lady signed in resignation, as she bowed to the east bone final time to end her ritual. Modern woman nowadays want so much that they lose their souls and wonder whey they cannot find it. Her joss stick disintegrated into a soft grey powder. She met her daughter outside the temple, the same look of worry and frustration was etched
on her daughter's face.

An empty expression, as if she was ploughing through the soil of her wants looking for the one thing that would sown the seeds of happiness. They climbed into the convertible in silence and her daughter drove along the highway, this time not to fast as she had done before. ‘Ma,’ Bee Choo finally said. "I don't know how to put this. Mark and I have been talking about it and we plan to move out of the big house. The property market is good now, and we managed to get a buyer willing to pay us seven million for it. We decided we'd prefer a cosier penthouse apartment instead. We found a perfect one in Orchard Road . Once we move into our apartment, we plan to get rid of the maid, so we can have more space to ourselves...."

The old woman nodded knowingly. Bee Choo swallowed hard. "We'd get someone to come in to do the housework and we can eat out – but once the maid is gone, there won't be anyone to look after you. You will be awfully lonely at home and, besides that the apartment is rather small. There won't be space. We thought about it for a long time, and we decided the best thing for you is if you moved to a Home. There's one near Hougang – it's a Christian home and a very nice one."

The old woman did not raise an eyebrow. I"ve been there, the matron is willing to take you in. It's beautiful with gardens and lots of old people to keep you company! Hardly have time for you, you'd be happier there." "You'd be happier there, really." her daughter repeated as if to
affirm herself.

This time the old woman had no plastic bag of food offering to cling tightly to, she bit her lip and fastened her seat belt, as if it would protect her from a daughter who did not want her anymore. She sunk deep into the leather seat, letting her shoulders sag and her fingers trace the white seat.

Ma, her daughter asked, searching the rear view window for her mother. "Is everything okay?

What had to be done, had to be done. "Yes" she said firmly, louder than she intended, 'if it will make you happy,' she added more quietly.

‘It's for you, Ma! You will be happier there. You can move there tomorrow, I already got the maid to pack your things.' Elaine said triumphantly, mentally ticking yet another item off her agenda. 'I knew everything would be fine.' Elaine smiled widely; she felt liberated. Perhaps getting rid of her mother would make her happier. She had thought about it. It seemed the only hindrance in her pursuit of happiness. She was happy now. She had everything a modern woman ever wanted; money, status, career, love, power and now freedom without her mother
and her old-fashioned ways to weigh her down......

Yes she was free. Her phone butted urgently, she picked it up and read the message, still beaming from ear to ear. "Stock 10% increase."

Yes, things were definitely beginning to look up for her and while searching for the meaning of life in the luminance of her hand phone screen, the old woman in the backseat became invisible and she did not see her in tears.





Thumbs up for local writers :D

I've got the worst set of the results in my 18 years of life for the recent bout of tests, including the mini quizzes which the teacher gave us shortly after our MSAs. 2nd from the bottom in class for 2 physics test in a row is very demoralising man >_> Econs and GP was exceptionally disappointing, those 2 being my best became my 2 worse subjects.

Which sorta led me to wonder should i have gone to take a subject combi i really liked. Imma weirdo person, given the choice i'll take lit,art,physics,chem and math with linguistics rather than GP, although i know this is definitely a killer combo. So many times in life, we have to choose practicality(not saying those subjects listed above are impractical) over what we really want.

I've been loathing school more and more, complains become meaningless, because its probably not of any use anyway, 95% of all JC2 students probably just wanna take a break from this crazy schedule of ours. It's kinda crazy you know, actually the stuff taught in JC isnt very new, its just stuff thats more in-depth. Yeah thats cramming 4 years of work into 2 years, and this work is theoretically more difficult with its increased indepth-ness.

Im currently training my legs rather than my body nowadays, cos pullups are sorta settled no kick for me already :D its funny how terrible my jumping is with my long skinny legs, perhaps they're overskinny empty of muscles :O im also kinda near to dunking for the hoop at my house downstairs, just gotta push a bit more, add oil add oil!

Campcraft com's around the corner too, hopefully we can maintain the top 30 :O and guitar's been a real headache lately ): And i think its time for some kids to grow up already, how come they're already ____ and they still cant' seem to get their act together.Hmpf.

Oh i see that the picture from my blogskin is sorta removed already, obvious signal for a new blogskin!

'No one can save you but yourself'

Some fail to realise how important this is in ensuring that we can strive on for the best in our lives,to make sure the next day would be a better one, if they are fortunate to even have one

Others over-rely on such a 'virtue',forgoing all criticism, comments, help, guidance from people around them, thinking that by doing such they can live on and solve their own problems for a better tomorrow.Only until they realise that that tomorrow never came, because they had no choice but to resort to the last solution.

Heh, Bryon's back. Gonna do some mass rewind, brace yourselves!

I ended 2009 with kjw and yonglak at a night cycling trip where we cycled our way to marina bay from east coast park after doing some research on the routes the day before. Cool experience, cycling along the Singapore routes, sets you thinking on how small Singapore really is. Joined in the countdown the first time in my life with the rest of those enthu people. Fireworks finally went off and everyone spreaded the new year love to one another, strangers or not.

Then it really got me thinking, somehow, how is it fireworks are used to symbolise celebratory stuff. You see fireworks at NDP, and all those grand opening stuff like the Beijing olympics. Something similar is the use of firecrackers, while absurdly dangerous, is also used during celebrations. Perhaps these fireworks symbolise hope amidst the dark night sky, as the light coruscates across the darkness. If so, doesnt this mean that all hope is just temporary, as the nightsky slowly engulfs and extinguishes this hope. No matter how many shots are fired, they fade away into nothingness. Ok maybe not nothingness, they become poisonous painful flakes descending from the sky, all ready to fall into some bystander's eye below. Thats what happened to me during one of our NDP performances and i was tearing like bananass throughout the performance, sibei pain siol.Oh no, bryan and his crazy thinkings again >_>

2010 wasnt a good start for me. I still find it very unreasonable that my first day ends at 5 man, just my luck. And since tomorrow is the 3rd week and i have alternate time tables, i end at 5 too -.- MSA is over and it probably wasnt set at the best time for me to study. Lost my motivation to study and i only flipped through the notes, especially for physicss man, I used to keep doing the tutorials but ah this time round i didnt. Furthermore the paper was relatively easy, like really. There was i think 7 marks of memory work which i straight away left blank man, and the total marks was i think 25 or 30. I thought i would perhaps do better at econs, since its like one of my better few subjects but dang, flunked it too. Oh well, Im gonna make a comeback like promos during A levels, but it has to be better than my promos man, no As leh. Im already stuck in SA with lower standards, how can i compete with other school peeps if i dont get an A during normal tests?

NP stuff is piling up too. Campcraft com is wooo timeconsuming, but hopefully we can secure a top 20! Hope that juniors are putting in as much effort as they can, like nich says, campcraft com was probably one of the major highlights in mah np life, but i still prefererred the drill displays we did on open house and cca extravaganza though.

I really cant remember anything else significant that happened. Old brain fails me :O Oh, tuesday's e learning day, yay me! I've been practicing vertical jump exercises recently after i discovered i could touch the ring at the court downstairs. Few more months and i'll be ablt to dunk. Oh yeah >D Speakin of which, i would really trade a bit of my height to put on a bit of weight man. Its like, no matter how much i eat and how much i laze around and how much i train, i still cant get any bigger o.O Think i must be suffering some nutrient-absorbing deficiency lol.



Think i'll switch my blogskin to a more matured one soon.




'All's fair in love and war'

man, neglected my blog for one month or so, shall do a proper post this coming weekend O.O

/edit

weekends ending le and i still have not posted, i think i'll really really post after my MSAs, which is next weekend, or maybe i can find some time around midweek or so.

Lets just say the year 2010 is like an inverse exponential graph for me. Like seriously, both JC and non-JC stuff.