I asked sally whether she had any reccommendations for anymore online books for me to read, and she linked me to this edmw post where this guy, with his forum name 'boi boi' wrote a short story about his high school crush and stuff, which in my opinion is very very good, probably get get a high score for O level compo writing, if he had enough time to write so much lol. so do take a little bit of your time to read this short story :)
"I thought we were just friends?"
"But I don't want to be just friends..."
And that was how my first puppy love affair ended when after getting my 'O's in 2001.
If you remember correctly, in Secondary school, we were allocated to seat according to our register numbers, and back in those days, the blue desks were laid out in pairs in my classroom. It so happened that Hildya, a transfer student to my school in secondary 2, was late for class on the first day of school. And when she finally stepped into class that day, it was an apologetic smile on that pretty face of hers that I will never forget, not till this day, 10 years later.
I don't exactly remember what she said to the teacher, but it was the chinese words that came out of her mouth, that gave not just me, but everyone else, a surprise. You see, she looked very much like your typical malay girl, except that she was very fair. Thus the fact that she could speak chinese was rather weird, to say the least, at least in the minds of most 14 year olds.
And so she sat down beside me.
"Hi, Im Tim, Im quite surprised that you can speak chinese, haha.."
"Oh my dad's Chinese but my mum's malay, so basically I can speak abit of both.."
"I see.."
And so began this 3 yr period of my life, that I will never forget.
As the days of school went by, we gradually became closer and closer, we studied together, went out together, and once in a while I held her hands, like pulling her out from a crowded train, leading her to leave at the end of a movie, etc etc..Come to think about it now, it was all rather childish haha.
We stayed in the same neighbourhood, so usually after school, we would go home together, except for the days that we have our own ccas. She was in volleyball, while I was in taekwondo. Despite the fact that due to long periods under the sun, and that most other volleyball girls were all very dark and tanned, Hildya was the sort who never turned dark, all she would get after a hot afternoon would be redness on her cheeks and arms. I used to always tease her by calling her snow white, and she always chuckled when I said that.
Meanwhile, we still had our own normal friendships with the other classmates, and both the guys and girls were constantly teasing us being a 'couple' despite us always saying "No, we're just good friends".
This friendship between Hildya and me was hard to describe for the both of us, we didn't consider ourselves to be 'steads', as known back then, but we were definitely closer than just normal friends.
Eventually, we were streamed into different classes in Sec 3, and we happened to be streamed into the same class.
"Hey what class did you get into?", she asked me on the day we got the streaming results.
"triple science 4a, you?", I remember asking this with plenty of hope in my head that she will be in the same class as me.
But she said nothing, all she gave was a smile, the kind of expression on a person's face, that tells you she is genuinely delighted, as though you had just given her a big present that she really adores. In fact, this smile on her face warmed my heart instantaneously, reminding me of her similar, embarassed smile on her first day of school.
This meant that we would be able to continue studying together. The next two years of secondary school was spent with the same joy and happiness, because we were always there for each other, whenever we got down, due to our own parents, school work and stress.
On valentines day in secondary 3, if you would remember, guys would always buy flowers, teddy bears and chocolates and put them on the table of the girls that they liked. So on that morning, when we reached our classrooms, it was a sea of roses and teddy bears that lined the tables of our classroom. Not surprisingly, there were not one, but several stalks of roses, as well as cards and gifts on Hildya's table.
I remember the mixed emotions I got when I saw that, and I knew that it was inevitable that other guys would like her. So after she read the cards, I joked,
"haha, so which guy are you going out with tonight?"
She cheekily teased me," Maybe the guy who hasn't gotten me anything?"
And so I spent the rest of the day in sheer demise and confusion.
I knew that I wasn't ready to tell Hildya that I like her, and that I wish to be her boyfriend, because I was perfectly happy with the present standings. Ok, you guys must be thinking that Im gay or what, but Im not. I just did not feel that romance existed between us, it was more of a 'really close friends' kind of thing for me. But at the same time, I didn't exactly know how she was feeling about our friendship. and I did not want to spoil anything. Hence the fact about her suitors shaked my confidence about our 'closer than friends' thing.
In the afternoon, on the walk back home, she suddenly held my hands.
"Lets go for a movie.", she suggested.
When she suggested to watch a movie, just the two of us. A million thoughts raced through my 15 yr old mind, even though we've watch movies together before, just the two of us.
And so we proceeded walked towards the mrt station and then we took a train to Tampines Mall, where we usually watched our movies. As usual, she picked the movie, I don't know why, but she always initiated what movie to watch and I was always okay with her choice, not that I was a very choosy person myself. This time, she chose a love story, cant really remember what the movie was, but it ended with the girl dying. And when it reached the scene where the guy crying over the loss of his girlfriend, I looked at her's face. (Ok, here you have to imagine that I have never, or rarely done this before, which is to look at her when we're watching a show, or anything similar like that, with the fear that she might turn around and ask me what Im looking at) It might sound ridiculous, but it was quite a tense moment for me, believe it or not, to have mustered the courage and looked at her.
There she was, the first time since I knew her, tearing in front of me, not the sobbing kind, just the sight of tears trickling down her cheeks. For a 15 yr old boy like me then, I didn't know what to do at all, the most physical contact I've ever had with a girl other than my mom, was Hildya, and it was merely holding hands for just a few seconds.
I decided to muster every bit left of me, and touch her arm, which was resting on the armrest between us, and I slid it down to her hands, and grasped her hands. Her hand felt cold to the touch, and so I wrapped my hand around hers.
I waited for a reaction, but there was none. She obviously could feel my hand on hers, but she did nothing about it, she didn't lean onto my shoulders for comfort, neither did she shrug my hand off.
Eventually, the movie ended. And she was still sitting there, with the traces of tears in her eyes, but remained silent. Both of us were quiet, and our hands never left each other.
At that point in time, my confusion grew even more. I could not decide what I wanted to do. I don't know about her, but even as the credits were rolling, and people were slowly moving out of the cinema, we remained in that position, for the longest 10 minutes of my life thus far.
"I really like you alot."
Thats what she said.
I couldn't react, not that I didn't want to. But I didn't know what to say. As I mentioned earlier, I didn't want to make any decisions and do anything, as my mind at that point in time, wasn't ready and certain of what to do. (Ok you guys must be thinking that Im gay, but I reinstate my point that Im not). Looking back at that time now, I realise that I was just afraid of doing something new, of taking that extra step out of my safety zone. I had feelings for her, to be more than just friends, but there was no true desire in my heart to leap forward.
The two words, that I said next, probably made such a huge difference in my life, even till today I think about it, such that if I had said something else, my life probably would have been drastically different.
"Thank you."
Thats exactly what I said, no more no less. And things changed between us after that two words. More like change from her, and back then, even though I knew what I had done, but I wasn't sure what to do about it.
Our friendship didn't change too much, except for the fact that we no longer went out together by ourselves. Back in school, and sometimes after school, things remained the same, and we still talked like we did in the past.
The next part would be the last part, about us in sec 4, and how an incident affected me deeply, and caused a huge change in me, towards her.
In sec 4, we were all busy preparing for our 'O' levels, plus juggling between school and CCAs, it was a very hectic period.
Both of us were rather good students, we had good results plus we never had any disciplinary problems and such, you get the point. However, there was always the bunch of hooligans 'ah bengs' who caused trouble, some of them were smokers and even openly smoked in school compound, needless to say they were infamous and most of them knew them by the Discipline Master openly reprimanding them in front of the whole school during morning assembly.
There was this one guy, Jason, who was one of them, and to be honest, he was quite good looking, and many girls in school, including those ah lians were admirers of him. Comparatively, I was quite decent looking too, but no where near his standards. He was one of Hildya's suitors, and due to the fact that he was also in the volleyball team, he became quite close to her in sec 4. Hildya was not a flirt, but she was quite the teaser, and never really rejected her suitors, nor did she ever accept any of them.
However, as the days went by, I realised that there seemed to be something happening between the two of them. Some days after her volleyball training, when we usually met and went home together, she began to tell me to head home first, as she had something on. I thought it was okay, and didn't think too much of it.
This 'something', as I soon realised, was her meeting Jason after their training, and going for dinner and such. It came as quite a shock to me, why she would go out with Jason, when their characters were such polar opposites, her being the studious good girl, him being the infamous ah beng.
As more of such incidents happened, I began to feel weird within myself. It was as though, I knew that what she does is her business, and I shouldn't care. But the truth could not be further, I realised, I wanted her, I wanted her to be more than just my friend. I wanted to share intimate moments with her. I wanted to be the one to be there for her, always.
I was in love with her. I never realised what love felt like till that point. It was almost painful to see her walking off with another guy. It was a fact that was hard to swallow.
I was desperate to confront her and tell her exactly how I felt. Right then, I recalled the incident at the cinema, when she told me she really liked me alot. I wondered if she still felt the same way. I wondered if I was too late. I regretted so deeply for saying the most cowardly of words 'thank you', when she openly expressed her interest and fondness in me before. I began to feel so troubled, the emotions I felt were no longer that of confusion, but that of clarity. I knew clearly what I wanted, but also knew it might have been a little too late.
This was the few months leading up to the big 'O's, I was still troubled, but being disciplined and clear headed enough, I was still able to concentrate on my studies. During that few months, we still studied together occasionally, but she was also spending time with Jason. And part of me was afraid that she might be influenced negatively by him, and part of me wanted to tell her how I feel.
Several factors affected me then too, the fact that I didn't want to cause any trouble to her by confronting her about how I felt. And so, even though there were times when we were alone studying, either in school, or at our houses, I tried to make everything as normal as possible. I didn't even question her about the things that went on between Jason and her, because I didn't want her to feel like Im her dad or something, trying to control her life. I thought, since everything is still going smoothly, I should just let things be.
Deep inside my heart however, I struggled constantly in pain.
Fast forward to the day we got our 'O' level results, because everything stayed pretty much the same in the months prior to that.
"Hey, so how did you do?", I approached and asked her outside of the school hall.
"Pretty okay, should be able to get into XX JC, how about your results?"
"Oh I did fine too, also can go YY JC lah".
"Hey, you want to go for lunch and maybe a movie after that?", I asked her, with thoughts of finding the right moment to confront her and tell her about my feelings. Having not gone out with her for about one month plus after the 'O's, I really missed her, and longed for her company. During that one month plus, we still met each other occasionally, but she took on a part time job and I was busy training for a taekwondo tournament, so we seldom met in that period.
"hmm, okay, but I have something on after this, so Im not sure about the movie.."
"Okay, just lunch would be fine too", I replied.
What I did next added to the list of regrettable actions that I have done in my life.
While walking out of the school beside her, I instinctively. and suddenly held her hands, the same action that I have done quite a few times before, but this time with a genuinely strong purpose.
She appeared a little startled, and asked," what are you doing?"
I swear my balls literally shrank, and nervously said,
"I..I..Im in love with you Hildya.."
She shrugged off my hand, and I was in shock, shocked that she gave such a reaction. I knew it, right at the moment when she shrugged off my hand, it was as though I already knew the words she was going to say before she said it.
"I thought we were just friends", she said.
"But I don't want to be just friends, I want to be more than that."
She looked at me, paused, and with a apologetic look, said,
"Im sorry...I..I cant."
And that was it, she turned around and walked away, leaving me standing there.
I wanted to chase after her so bad, and tell her so much more. But I couldn't, my feet were glued to the ground, my eyes were on her back, the same familiar back that I've known so well, and the person that I've learnt and grown to love. I knew it was never going to be the same again. It was going to end up in my history as a tragic but sweet friendship. All the thoughts of us spending time together in the past 3 years came flooding back. I knew that I was the cause of all this, and I deserved all this.
Back at home that day, I lay in bed, not able to do anything else. Not wanting to celebrate our results with my other friends. Not wanting to talk to parents even. I couldn't sms or call her. I couldn't even come to grips with myself.
And later that night, my handphone went buzz, buzz.
It was Hildya's sms.(I have not changed my handphone number since then, and I still keep the sms in my sim card, so that I may read it to remind myself)
It read,
"I really enjoyed all the times I've spent with you. I really cherish the moments that we had. But sometimes things are too little, too late. I remember that time at the cinema when I told you I like you, and you saying thank you. Maybe things would have turned out very differently, maybe not. Your a great person, but maybe we are just not meant for each other. We should probably move on with our own lives...
And the last two words of her sms, which would forever scar me,
"Thank you."
So the story ends here, hopefully it was nice to you guys, cos it certainly did leave an impact on me, this story. Anyway the story was taken from
http://forums.hardwarezone.com.sg/showthread.php?t=2362430 if you guys are curious, or if my fonts were too frigging small, but i decided to copy and paste it here in case you guys dont like to be interrupted by those irrelevant forum posts in the middle of the parts of the story.
Thumbs up for Singapore writers!
